Alex Kowalsky, in many ways, is the epitome of what it means to be mediocre. Over his the span of his life, Alex has displayed an unbelievable and unparalleled pattern of excellence in mediocrity. He has seen his fair share of peaks and valleys, but he never has strayed too far from that line right in the middle.
Born to poor, Polish immigrants in Bisbee, Arizona in 1984, Alex was a man of humble beginnings. He struggled with the language barrier in rural Arizona and spent most of his formative years watching cartoons and eating a steady diet of fish sticks. As he grew (both in size and mediocrity), Alex became a BIG fish in the small bowl that was Bisbee.
When Alex was eight, his family packed up their Aerostar van and moved cross-country to Connecticut. It was in Connecticut that Alex began to mature as a young boy and as a writer. It was in 1993 that Alex wrote his first short story. It was a story entitled, “Bruno Goes to Market” and it was a sad little story about a boy named Bruno who got lost in the supermarket. Now, you may guess that while at the market a bunch of interesting stuff would happen. But, no. It was literally a story about this boy Bruno going to the market, buying some groceries, paying, and then going home. That’s it. It remains, to this day, one of the most boring stories ever written.
Alex was late bloomer physically. By the time he was 15 years old, Kowalsky stop at only 4’5” but was a pudgy 187 pounds. This obviously made him the target of his classmates insults. It was at this time that Alex began to further withdraw from reality. He spent most of his free time alone in his family’s basement. There he spent hours talking with his imaginary friends, reading, writing, and playing Mario Kart.
Alex would often challenge his siblings and parents to Mario Kart races. Later in his life, he would challenge students that he worked with to matches. Over his 12 year career of Mario Kart, Kowalsky has a career record of 877-878. Nearly perfectly mediocre. He usually beats who he should beat and seldom pulls of an upset. He is to Mario Kart as Miguel Batista is to Major League Baseball.
In 2004, Alex finally hit a growth spurt and shot up to six-feet in height. That 190-some pounds was able to spread out and Alex hit the gym. Hard. He replaced his video games and television with a Chuck Norris Total Gym and turned his disgusting body into that of a middle linebacker.
Late in 2009, Kowalsky became the co-founder of this website. He has been all over the map with his productions. He once carried the site for a month straight and turned out some absolutely dazzling posts. He covered the career of Vinny Testaverde, Dan Cortese, and Anthony Mason. He revolutionized the site by bring some sex-appeal to the site with provocative posts about Anna Kournikova and Danica Patrick. However, he also hit some lulls with lazy posts consisting of polls and nothing else.
The sad ending to the mediocre tale is that Al appears to be finished. He completed that Testaverde post back on June 16th and has since produced nothing. Nothing. His career arc resembles that of Pete Incaviglia or Terrell Davis. Say it ain’t so, Alex. Say it ain’t so.
