Today’s feature will be our first top-10 list. A while back I started thinking about some of my favorite sports movies and realized that a lot of the films on my list featured some pretty mediocre athletes. It’s hard to say which of these characters is the most mediocre so I more or less based the rankings on my personal favorites. Enjoy.
1. Teen Wolf (1985): Scott Howard played by Michael J. Fox. At only 5’4 it’s hard to imagine MJF actually playing basketball. And to say the least, Scott Howard was a poor basketball player. He even admits to having a “bad jump shot and a bad haircut” to his childhood friend “Boof.” I think one of the reasons I like this movie so much is that there is a girl called “Boof”, although I still cannot figure out where they came up with that name. Needless to say, Teen Wolf is a must see flick if you like MFJ, werewolves, urban surfing and mediocre basketball at its best.
2. The Replacements (2000): Shane Falco played by Keanu Reeves. I actually just watched this movie over the weekend. I don’t know what it is, but I love Keanu Reeves. He is such a commanding actor. In this film Reeves plays washed up QB, Shane Falco, who after a disappointing sugar bowl performance ends up scrubbing barnacles off the bottom of boats in the DC harbor. Falco is your typical under-achiever, a guy who never fully lives up to his potential. If I were to compare Shane Falco to an actual NFL quarterback I would say that he most closely resembles Mark Brunell (a poor man’s Mark Brunell).
3. Major League (1989): Jake Taylor played by Tom Berenger and Ricky “The Wild Thing” Vaughn played by Charlie Sheen. Major League is arguably the greatest movie of all time. If you haven’t seen it, then you’re missing out. Tom Berenger shines as a washed out catcher with two bad knees and a drinking problem. Charlie Sheen plays bad-boy Ricky Vaughn: a former convict with a rocket for an arm who nails cougars in his spare time.
4. Jerry Maguire (1996): Rod Tidwell played by Cuba Gooding Jr. Cuba won an Academy Award for best supporting actor for his role in this movie. He plays a petulant and under-paid wide receiver who struggles to get the attention and money he feels he deserves. Rod Tidwell is probably the best athlete on this list but still doesn’t qualify as a “marquee” wide receiver.
5. Mr. Baseball (1992): Jack Elliot played by Tom Selleck. With what is arguably the best mustache in show business, Tom Selleck hits one out of the park as the lead role in this classic baseball flick. Old, worn-out, unproductive and over-paid, Jack Elliot is the total package. The guy is an absolute dude. He dips, knocks dingers and screws every piece of ass from New York to Tokyo. Selleck plays aging former World Series MVP Jack Elliot who is traded to a Japanese team because he just can’t cut it in the bigs anymore. This is a quintessential guy film because Tom Selleck is the epitome of what it means to be a man.
6. White Men Can’t Jump (1992): Billy Hoyle played by Woody Harrelson. My mother wouldn’t let me watch this movie when it came out back in the early 90’s. Probably because she didn’t want me to be encouraged to become Billy Hoyle and hustle people playing street ball in LA. Plus, Woody Harrelson is a total dude.
7. Mystery Alaska (1999): John Biebe played by Russell Crowe. It’s weird how Russell Crowe went from Mystery Alaska to Gladiator in less than a year. I contend that he is more of a bad ass in this movie than in any other role he has played during his acting career.
8. The Mighty Ducks (1992): Gordon Bombay played by Emilio Estevez. Every kid loves the Mighty Ducks movies, and growing up I was no exception. I’ve decided to include Gordon Bombay on this list since he is the touchstone for the Mighty Ducks series. Estevez made an entire career by playing this washed-up hockey star. It’s too bad that he still isn’t as cool as his brother or father.
9. Baseketball (1998): Squeak Scolari played by Dian Bachar. Ok, we all know that Basketball is a fictitious sport, but still one of the best comedies of the 90’s. It’s a tremendous parody of professional sports and Squeak Scolari is by far the most mediocre player on the Beers roster.
10. Space Jam (1996): Bill Murray as himself. Bill Murray is a god. Nothing more to add.
Top 10 Mediocre Movie Athletes
February 15, 2010 by alkowalsky
I disagree with your keanu reeves statement….so I hope there is some sarcasm invovled in the statement that he is a commanding actor……
I saw Mr. Baseball many years ago and still remember it fondly. It simply cannot be overstated how awesome Tom Selleck and his mustache each are, considered separately or, preferably, together. For me, the most memorable sequence in the movie is the dream wherein Elliot has a horrific nightmare in which he is facing down the difficult count of no balls, five strikes.
I love Keanu Reeves. I will not retract my statements.
Not having Paul Blake (QB from Necessary Roughness) on this post is just a straight up crime. You should be ashamed. And quite frankly, I don’t see anything mediocre about Gordon Bombay. Even after Bombay’s seemingly career ending knee injury McRae and Modano of the North Stars (I’m not entirely sure of their names or team) told him if he ever wanted a shot they could get him one. Also, the last two guys that were around 5’4″ in the NBA and that COULDN’T dunk like Scott Howard were Mugsy Bouges and some dude known as Spud Webb… heard of him?
i’m not sure exactly how tall each of those men were, but you get the point.
Remember:
“IT’S NOT WORTH WINNING IF YOU CAN’T WIN BIG!” -Hawks
BIG post! I agree wholeheartedly, good sir.
and no rebuttal from alkowalsky… 🙂
I am not clear on what I need to rebut. Your comment was totally outlandish yet awesome. Its nice to see your enthusiasm, Andy. I think you are the biggest fans of mediocrity fan.